my love hates my fate

Why is it that each year i somehow tend to fuck up? This time i haven't even done wrong but yet i am still trapped in the same god forsaken trap called my "home". This home has made many of us run away, go crazy, and die. Each day I die a little more on the inside looking how my mother has set her life to be alone and my sister who cant afford enough for a loan. She eats off the true life line waiting for the inheritance to shower her. I just lie here dead but somehow im on the wall. I cant control my mean thoughts which have changed me. I need a clean slate in this society which has been built upon hate. I now cant even see how this fate will make my life someday great. Why cant i live alone, die alone, and love alone? How have we lived when we havent even opened our eyes.